Jokes

"What a sucker!"

These are all jokes I compiled from some joke sites. Remember, the only thing I have changed is the sexes to show just how misandrist our society is. And why is it that all the lawyers in lawyer jokes are men?

Enjoy...

What's the difference between an intelligent woman and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

How do you tell when a woman is lying?
Her lips are moving.

What do you call a woman with 99% of her brain missing?
Unmarried.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a non-gold-digger woman and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them." (this one was unmodified)

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

A gentleman calls the police to report his wife is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. He tells them she's 5 feet 7 inches tall, has long blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody melt.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe him. She's 5 feet 2 inches tall, has a butch haircut and wears a perpetual frown on her face and her cooch wouldn't melt butter."The neighbor then goes and asks the gentleman why he gave the police such a false report.
He replies, "Just because I reported her missing, doesn't mean I wanted her back!"

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.

Why are women like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.

If you drop a man and a woman from 100 ft, which hits the ground first?
The man, because the woman has to ask directions on the way down.

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?""Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!
"The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I don't. I cut this cute little baby out of my friend's womb and left her for dead - but I'm sure glad I brought him in! " (this one is a stretch but I was angry at how women get away with murder when I did it)

A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped her in the face, grabbed her firmly by the lapels and flung her over the table.
He then faced the judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."