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I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:
I got a vasectomy.
I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.
I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.
We date for a few months. I never made any move towards committment but she brought it up occassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.
Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.
At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.
So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.
Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.
It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notorized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.
I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.
She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"
Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsbilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.
I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.
I tell her simply, "You're screwed".
Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.
I continue. "I am sterile"
Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."
I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."
This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."
I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."
I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.
I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.
Epilog -
I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.
The Moral of the Story -
Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
Social scientists who study young love are discovering that contrary to popular belief, male adolescents don't just want to have fun.
And here's something that surprised even Giordano: both boys and girls agreed that girls have the power in heterosexual relationships, including when it comes to sex. "She wanted to do it more than I did," said an 18-year-old male. "She said that I wasn't mature enough and, you know, all that stuff ... I was too young, I was scared, I didn't know what I was doing, I wasn't ready for it ... [But] she was my girlfriend, and that's what she wanted."
There were exceptions, of course. Take "Donny," a boy who filled the classic role of the player. At 17, he estimated that he'd had 35 sexual partners, some of whose names he couldn't recall. He had cheated on his girlfriends. He confessed to some physical abuse of them. But the really notable thing about Donny was how few Donnys there were. Fewer than a quarter of the boys surveyed felt that other kids thought of them as players. "That number of [Donny types] is in fact smaller than everybody believes," Giordano says.
It seems as if popular culture is waking up to the reality of the emotionally responsive male. Willowy, sensitive actors like Tobey Maguire and Topher Grace are looming larger on marquees.
I really appreciate what you wrote. Feeling pretty pissy about my dating
options. Seeing too many women that are self centered. Yeah, I was in a
bad mood, but your post made my day better. So thank you.
It has Best of CL written all over it.
mt
Whoever you are you are very perceptive and honest.
My favorite; “The kharmic retribution for putting good men into the "Friend Zone" while getting hurt by bad boys is to become bitter, angry, and the owner of at least three cats.”
TM
I picked up the latest copy of The Sunday Times and found it amusing that ST seems to run the same old stories over and over again. The headlines screamed "Why foreign brides are HOT while local brides are NOT". Hello? Didn't ST cover this story many years back? Why are we revisiting this issue AGAIN? Singaporean men who marry foreign brides should know by now that they can't keep up with intelligent Singaporean girls and should just shut up and go back to their quiet, submissive foreign brides.
Anonymous said... dear carrie,
there's always 2 sides to the coin when it comes to an argument, in this case the foreign brides issue.
maybe we singaporean men have found that local woman are getting simply too demanding and obnoxious?
J? I've nothing against anybody nor am I ignoring the flip side of the coin, just peeved with ST's angle to the the story and the headlines. ST seems to imply that local men prefer wives from overseas because there's something fundamentally wrong with local women. Perhaps, next time, should they like to run the same, old story again, they should use a different headline, one that does not incriminate local girls for the lack of attractiveness of local men who can't measure up to them.
Multiple sexual partners, it turns out, are more common in industrialized than in developing nations.So why is sexual health such a huge problem? The study suggests that unequal treatment of girls and women as the major sexual-health issue.
"The data make a powerful case for an intervention focus on the broader determinants of sexual health, such as poverty and mobility, but especially gender inequality."
Marriage is no safeguard of sexual health. It is more difficult for married women to negotiate safe sex and condom use than it is for single women. Among girls who marry at a very young age, "very early sexual experience within marriage can be coercive and traumatic."
"Sexuality is an essential part of human nature and its expression needs to be affirmed rather than denied if public-health messages are to be heeded," Wellings and colleagues argue.
The study showed girls who turned 15 between 1995 and 1999 were more likely to have had sex than those who turned 15 between 1975 and 1979.The study revealed boys who turned 15 between 1995 and 1999 were less likely to lose their virginity earlier than those who turned 15 between 1975 and 1979.
Boys and girls who have sex before 15 account for less than 10 per cent of the population.They are obviously trying to minimize the impact of the study by implying that these whores make up only a small segment of the total population. In typical feminist fashion, this is irrelevant information - we don't care about the percentage of sluts in the total population, tell us the pertinent information - Boys and girls who have sex before 15 account for [X]% of the total adolescent population.
The global study found the average age Australians lost virginity was 17.5 years for both sexes.
In Nigeria it's 15.5 years for women and 20.5 years for men, and in Indonesia, 18.5 years for women and 24.5 years for men.