Thursday, December 13, 2007

Advice for the Nice Girl in School

Here's something from Gonzokid. Fantastic advice, the problem is that most women are too ensconced in their entitlement mentality to take it upon themselves to improve. The maximum improvement you will see out of most girls is a willingness to shop till they drop for that ONE outfit which will make them look drop-dead gorgeous, that ONE eye shadow which will make them irresistible, or that ONE workout which will make them shed X lbs.

Anyway, here it is.

Okay, once again the whole "Nice guy/Bad Boy" thing rears it's head, and it is grumbled "Well, you nice guys were chasing the cheerleaders and left us nice girls alone on the sidelines!"

Okay. Let's take a look at that.

Too late for us adults, I am afraid, but here are some frank words and good advice for the High School "Nice Girl." So for this, I am drawing from my own experience in High school for a lot of this:

1) Looking like a girl on occasion would help.

Ladies, if we think you are that kind of effeminate boy who is always hovering, we're likely to get creeped out and think you are the school fag who has a crush on us. A skirt. Show off some curves - hell, you don't have to give us a bunch of cleavage, but it would help to somehow know, "Yes, I have tits and am indeed FEMALE." Ditch the baggy and androgynous garb. Unless you are going for a guy who is also turned on by guys, it is not going to help your cause.

2) Look attractive on occasion.

And be this I don't mean "Look like something out of Glamour shots" but for pity's sake don't play up UNattractive as much as possible. Surprise! If you are trying to be unattractive, people will pick up on it, and read it as "Stay Away." Clearasil. Brush your teeth. Shower. And while you don't have to be a supermodel waif, reducing the weight to below "Blubber" is a bonus. Even the "muffin top" is cool with us, but chances are if you have to lift the roll of fat to undo your jeans, you have some work to do.

3) Ditch the Lesbians

Yes, I know. You and Julie have been friends since kindergarten. She is, however, known as the school carpet-muncher, and you two hang around together constantly, and worse yet, you take all these pictures of female singers and post them in your locker. Whack with the cluebat, girl. We really don't think we're qualified for the position of "Significant Other" as far as you are concerned.

4) Learn to say no GRACEFULLY.

Yes, Little Dorky MacDweeberson is a repulsive creep, who has been hanging around and all but stalking you since the 5th grade. And then he finally got up the nerve to ask you out, and what did you do? Verbally tore his balls off in front of homeroom class. Hmm. How eager do you think any other guy is going to be to risk that razor sharp tongue of yours?

You watch how we treat the Waiter. We watch how you treat other guys.

5) In that vein - CAN THE MAN BASHING.

Yes, you hold us in contempt as a gender. We get the message.

6) Or perhaps, "5b." A woman needs a man... much as she wants a date. Ya know, ladies, when you send the message that a man is disposable, the only ones who will bother are the ones who don't mind being disposed of; namely, the guys who will have little interest in you after they cut that next notch on their bedpost. Just saying.

7) Mind your reputation.

And it is not the "Do you put out?" reputation. It's the one that says "Do you cheat? Are you a tease? Are you sexually manipulative? Do you talk about your wild and sexually adventurous past, and only go for vanilla missionary sex now?"

8) Marketing. Marketing. Marketing.

Unless you are willing to initiate things, you will attract the kind of guy as you set bait for. This means, if you like the "hottie"who is the mechanic, he'll be in those classes and activities, not in the chess club. If he never sees you, then yes, he doesn't know you exist. You're a band girl, and hang around the music crowd? Guess who will be asking you out?

If you don't like this, then (8b) - you'll have to do the initiating.

9) Get rid of the chip.

If the first hour of the date is spent with you "laying down the law," count on you being dropped off when the dance is over, and there being no second date. We don't want to date our mommies. And if you lay down a bunch of rules before the date, you may be stood up. What time you need to get home, and where you aren't permitted to go is sufficient "rules."

10) Being asked for a date IS being "hit on." Grow up.

Expect a move to be kissed goodnight. Hand holding - or some other such stuff. This will continue, and escalate, until you put an end to it. Your sisters have taught us this by being annoyed when we are "too slow." Believe it or not, 99.9% of us can - and are accustomed to - taking no for an answer. Don't freak out. And if he is moving to slow, I guarantee - if he has worked up the nerve to ask you out, he wants to have sex with you. If all you want is a kiss, go for that - he won't turn you down.

11) Be Approachable

The final and most important one. Lose the "Hard to get" page. Most guys have a "3 No" rule. Shoot him down three times running - he gets the hint. He doesn't want to ask you out publicly and get shot down publicly - let him take you aside.

And above all - for pity's sake, if we ask you out, fucking meet us halfway and say "Yes."